The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You made out with two different species that night
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
