she pinky promised me she was 18
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
