Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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