I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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