Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
