just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
