so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I didn't notice because vodka
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
