Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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