So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
