he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
