The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
