and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
