This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
