I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
