i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
