Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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