i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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