please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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