is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
