I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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