Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
