fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
