By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
