Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
