Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
