Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
