i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
