My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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