My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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