when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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