Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
