the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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