Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
