I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
