How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
