So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
