I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
