Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
