genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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