I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just had sex bonerless
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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