I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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