I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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