We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
