I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
