Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
