i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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