tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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