Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
