There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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