either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
