How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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