So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
