My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
