I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
