I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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